“You got me. Is that all you wanted? Did you not want to keep me?”
Today marks one full year since a quiet goodbye and I fell off the dating scene. I turned away setups encouraged by friends. I logged out of dating apps and haven’t returned. I rejected guy friends’ confessions in the kindest gesture. Not that I needed time off to find myself. Because it’s silly to say that when I figured myself out a long time ago before most people. I have been single a majority of my life because I choose to be (and by single, that also means not “talking” to anyone). They say that something good and real comes along when you’re not searching. That’s what I did exactly and at one point in college I had someone special. It was everything more than what I had hope for but then lost its course. And when I became single again, I was bothered by how I could lose the person who meant the world to me. He came along when I least expected it and I pictured myself growing old with him. Last year, I thought about how I spent my entire 26 years not looking for anything and I finally gathered up the courage to look for what’s out there. I did it for several reasons. Why sit around and wait? Truthfully, my biological clock is ticking and with each passing day I’m conflicted with: 1) I prefer being alone, 2) Being in love is not a big motivator, and 3) I want to have a family of my own someday.
For a while, it was difficult to adjust to the idea of sharing my life again with another person. I’ve gotten used to doing everything alone or with friends. I don’t latch onto guys easily and have very little attraction towards people. I wasn’t playing hard to get and I was late to dating. I was tired of asking myself to find “more” and when I did, it got hard to let go. I never had trouble being myself but I’m extremely uncomfortable about confronting my feelings when I’m involved with someone. It was not my intention to get with them right away. And don’t get me wrong – I’m happy for all my family members and friends who have their wonderful significant others. My two sisters are engaged to the most amazing guys and I couldn’t picture them without the other.
The boyfriends I had were not the right fit for me even when I tried to make it work. Although I wanted to stay long-term with the people I saw in recent years, I learned they were fooling around, running around an unending pattern of casual dating. I used to get emotional about this but now I quickly make my way out the door. People have a way of living their intentions and I have a way of living mine and this isn’t what I want. The loop continues for us and I have decided that it’s best for me to refrain from exploring new relationships. So yes – it’s awkward to remain friends, follow each other on social media or run into that person face to face – and learn that each one of them now has a significant other.
Let’s set something straight here. I avoided defining myself by my relationship status. I only define myself by my personality and actions. I care about people and all walks of life. I’ve been told by family and friends that I’m strong, bold, confident and easy-going. My grandmother and mother don’t see me ending up with anyone because no one will measure up to me. I’m not saying that I’m better than others – I have heart of gold and I don’t want to taint it anymore. Some days, I feel as though I can be too intense for someone because of the events I’ve been through.
I’ve come to embraced myself as a single person and as a person in a relationship. Yes, I’m single AF and I love it. Yes, when I was in a relationship I loved it (the non-toxic parts). I hope for a serious relationship but I’m not pursuing it. If I wanted it bad enough, I would be looking for one right now instead of sitting on my butt. And yes, I’m out there doing things on my own and with friends. I will be fine with whichever relationship status I end up in. I am grateful that I took a year long break from seeing people. I called this past year a cleanse of “dating sobriety” but friends made a great point – why label it sobriety when I wasn’t addicted or into to it in the first place? I won’t settle for less.
Here’s something worth watching. The dialogue in Wong Fu Productions’ latest video pulled my heartstrings. The female lead approaches her significant other in the most mature sense and breaks down their relationship. I’ve watched this video many times since its debut and end up in ugly tears every time. But I feel the same way, girl.